What is this phenomenon – teenage first love?
Irina Courage: In society, ideas about teenage love are high, very romanticized. But it is necessary to talk not so much about romance, but about the great significance of this phenomenon for the future life – whether a person will be happy and loved, or whether he will choose humiliation, suffering or even hatred. First rough rejection. Make fun of school. The parents were not united. A teenager left alone with this terrible emotional state? This can affect all his subsequent relationships.
Is this a difficult time for parents?
Irina Courage: For several years, I worked in schools, from the elite to those where there are more police than teachers. And I saw different parents. Many are emotionally in tune with their child. But there are also cold dominants, these may not notice that the child is going through a drama. It all depends on the personality of the parent and the type of upbringing in the family. A type of overprotection is now common. Parents raise “good boys and girls”… in the worst sense of the word: people who are absolutely not fit for life.
For such teenagers, the first love involves a big risk?
Irina Courage: Good children love what is unacceptable in their lives. In the experience of psychologists, there are many stories of women being victimized. When we start looking for the root cause, it’s often a failed first love. Yeah, and boys like teenage girls pronounced “cool.” What is there in reality? The girl can laugh at him. The image of the world instilled in the family will crumble. For men who have been humiliated, or, say, their first choice was humiliated by their mother, a double standard arises. They court beautifully, then humiliate their wives.
How do you know if a teenager is in love?
Irina Courage: Suddenly he asks to buy new T-shirts, perfume, starts to be very careful about hygiene. Writes poems. The girls write a diary. He has his head in the clouds when we talk to him. Note: All of a sudden, the behavior changes abruptly, and it repeats. He flew happily, suddenly fell silent. Someone suddenly stops eating, someone starts revenge. Listen, what’s his playlist? What videos do you watch? If he draws – pay attention to the drawings, what color does he choose? How are the statuses of social networks changing? (We must secretly subscribe to our children!) The color of the clothes: it was light and then suddenly dark. Or the same sweater all the time. Well studied – suddenly moved. Lie, look at the ceiling. These are signals that tell us what a teenager is going through.
Without devaluing the feelings of the child, it must be shown that even unhappy love is an important life experience.
And how to act?
Irina Courage: If you read a lot, put books on love, on ideals. He loves cinema – movies about teenage relationships. You can watch a family movie where there’s both love and disappointment, and then say, “I remember that, do you?” Even if the conversation does not work, but he sat down with you, you watch together, then this is already a stage. And if you do talk, it’s important that you don’t tell anyone else the secret. For a teenager, it’s a shock.
And what is the greatest parental fear when a child falls in love?
Irina Courage: The parents are afraid that the child will not pass the exam! It’s the biggest fear. I ask, “Aren’t you worried about what the baby is going through or that there might be an early pregnancy?” – “Yes, I’m fine! But he won’t pass the exam!”
I myself once suffered from love in first semester… I barely recovered in college!
Irina Courage: It’s a great story to share with your child! “Turns out mum isn’t ideal, she’s had some issues too.” Without devaluing one’s feelings, it is necessary to show that unhappy love is an experience, and not a reason to spoil life, to abandon education, work.
< p class="">When the child is all in his love, but you have to choose a university. Irina Courage: In such a situation, I took my eldest son to a construction site near the house. She explained: "You need a job. You are in love. How are you going to take care of Olya? Have you seen what an expensive wallet she has? And if you are going to live together, then you don't have You need to go to college, you need to support a family. Dad to watch?" This made my son very upset. Scolding a teenager is useless. to like ? Learn!”, he does the exact opposite. And then you accept his feelings. Need to meet your chosen one? Irina Courage: Of course! Organize birthdays, events, ask if that girl, that boy should be invited. And in general, when it comes to a teenager, parents need to know who he is friends with, and even more so, who he is in love with. Because, from a girl's point of view, for example, those adult uncles with flowers on nice cars are also about love. Can you rate? Some parents even criticize the appearance, in a very venomous way. Irina Courage: It's the amortization of her choice. To give appreciations when he is in love is to be an enemy to your child. Not only that, the more a parent says "she's a bad girl," the more the teenager will do the opposite. And if he passes a test himself, then, you see, he doesn't love that person anymore. What if he comes in tears that he's been abandoned? Irina Courage: Give me a chance to cry. If the child was disappointed, broken, but he was not allowed to live with it, grief can "shine" all his life. They often say, "Yes, how many will you have!" You can't do it that way. It is the first love. If you do it right, it will be a valuable experience, not a wound that won't heal. First love often falls on school years. What is the role of the teacher here? Irina Courage: Almost all teachers who have been working in the school for more than ten years have a professional deformation. What does it mean? Their "inner child" almost died. The "inner child" is their own emotions that help teens understand. When a teacher has a professional deformation, he only has the "necessary!". God forbid to come to that with your love story. They will ridicule, call their parents on the carpet. They can put on a hand truck and comment in front of everyone: "And you don't have to run in a parallel class!" And if the "inner child" is alive, the ability to connect with the teenage wave is alive. Children trust these teachers, share secrets. Often these teachers can, for example, through literature teach relationships, talk about love. And classmates are now poisoning couples in love? Irina Courage: If a teenager is a leader, he will be able to defend himself. If a stranger - the story will be different. Tell them that feelings don't need to be shown to everyone: stay together a long time, walk by the hand. You can walk outside the school, correspond. Insist: you have to hide not because the child is not like that. There are only external factors. And you should be wiser and not open up to everyone. Visit card Photo: Personal File Photo Irina Courage is a Russian psychologist, teacher, author of books for parents "Adaptation of the best parents in school", "Notes of a practicing psychologist. MIX" and others.
